I got this paper journal thing to write about my pregnancy and stuff, and thought it might be neat to record some of it over here. Especially since I already screwed up the journal by being off by a week. >_<* I’m going to borrow the little items it gives you to write about. And, since it’s typed and not in my standard chicken scratch, maybe the kid will actually be able to read it. Also, the paper journal doesn’t give you a lot of space to write stuff. So I’m probably going to scrap what’s on here and just do this instead. (Everything will be back-dated up to the current date.)

I haven’t updated in ages, because it was looking like we weren’t going to try for a baby after all. Now, we’re not going to actively try, but we’re not going to try not to, either. So we’ll see what happens…

I got two more pregnancy books from the library yesterday: The Hip Mama Survival Guide and Sears’ The Pregnancy Book. While most of the advice and information is the same in every book I read, I like to try to get different perspectives. I really loved Spiritual Midwifery, but I know it’s kind of out there. I want to have the baby at home, and have wanted that for a long time now. Unfortunately, because I’m pre-diabetic, being pregnant will probably push me into full - or at least gestational - diabetes. And that would make my pregnancy high risk. Which sucks not only because it won’t be safe for me to deliver at home, but also because it’ll increase the need for medical intervention. Also, I didn’t realize how dangerous it is to get pregnant when you’re diabetic. Apparently, the baby could be big, and have lung development problems, etc. I’m hoping like hell that I didn’t wait too long and that maybe I won’t develop full-blown diabetes and this whole thing will work out okay. Whether my pregnancy is high-risk or not, Chris is really against me delivering at home, because he has this feeling I’m going to die in childbirth.

So, anyway, even if I can’t have the baby at home, that book was helpful because it made everything seem less terrifying. Though I’m pretty sure that labor does hurt, no matter what your attitude is. Whatevs. I’m developing a pretty good birth plan, regardless.

…And we start trying this month.

I figured out what was causing my boobs to hurt so much. I was drinking too much caffeine. Somehow, I always forget what havoc that causes. So, now that I’m being more rational, I realize I’m probably not pregnant after all, which makes me kind of sad. I need to remember not to get too worked up about stuff, since stress makes it harder to conceive or whatever. And I need to remind myself that if this doesn’t happen, it was probably for the best. Sometimes I’m afraid I won’t be physically able to do this.

Arg, I didn’t mean to be such a bummer. I’ll just chalk it up to fatigue and PMS.

The other day, I got home from work to find that Chris had cleaned the cat pan for me.  That’s usually my chore, but I’ve been wary of doing it lately because of the whole Toxoplasmosis thing. I’m really impressed with how helpful he’s been lately.

I haven’t updated on here in a while. Mostly because there hasn’t been much change on the baby front. I’ve been reading like crazy, though. I was reading this preconception book, and became rather disenchanted with it when it encouraged smokers to try to quit, but if they just couldn’t, to at least try to cut down. And then, in the prenatal vitamins section, had a footnote that basically said: “…unless you’re obese, in which case, forget the vitamins because your baby’s going to have neural tube defects no matter what you do.” Um, I’m pretty sure that taking the vitamins couldn’t hurt, and to advise someone not to bother seems kind of irresponsible. (I’ve been taking my vitamins, despite the nausea and constipation, thank you.)

I also read Spiritual Midwifery and despite how ridiculous it could be at times, I enjoyed it. It was nice to read something that didn’t make it all seem so scary. I feel like, depending on how the pregnancy goes, I may try to go the drug-free route. Also, Chris got me What to Expect at the public library the other day. It was really sweet. I’d been complaining last time we went that it never seemed to be there, and I assumed he wasn’t listening. But when I got home from work the other day, there it was. When we were visiting his dad last weekend, his dad asked if he was sure he wanted to do this. Because Chris doesn’t really seem enthused about it. But he isn’t really the type to be that way, either. Picking up that book for me meant a lot, because it was his way of showing he’s on board with the whole thing.

Also, I’d like to point out right now that my body is cruel. My breasts are sore and I’m exhausted and nauseous, but I’m pretty sure I’m just coming down with something.

I’ve felt uncertain as to what to write about here, because I initially wanted this to be a record for my kid to look at later. But it’s turned into a place for me to not only write about happy, exciting things, but to worry incessantly as well. And it is clearly slanted towards potential Zoe rather than potential Ben. While I’m getting better at accepting the possibility of Ben, I find it awkward to say “it” or any other ambiguous term. I’m not willing to blog about baby stuff at the main blog, because I know that it might bother people. So I think I’ll just keep writing about baby stuff here, and copy the good stuff over to the inevitable baby blog/scrapbook when the time comes. And make all the entries over here private. So, worry not, anyone who may be reading this. Ben or Zoe will have a nice little page of his/her own, and doesn’t have to know that mum is extremely neurotic or sexist. (There will be plenty of time for that as time goes on.)

I know I haven’t written in a while, but I felt kind of discouraged recently. (See regular blog, if you care.)

Anyway, I have a coupon for Barnes and Noble, so I was going to use it to buy that Pregnancy Sucks book. But the last time I was reading it at the book store, I was kind of irritated with some of it. Then when I went to the website to look around and decide what to use my coupon on, I checked the price of the book and found a list of some of her other work. One of these was Dieting Sucks. The cover looked promising (A before and after photo which looked exactly the same) so I headed over to Amazon to see what was inside. It was the same old diet book crap, and I was pretty disappointed. Same old lies, same old advice about why it’s good to go hungry. Needless to say, I’ve decided against buying any of her books, and will probably buy Fell instead. (I want a book about pregnancy, but haven’t found one yet that isn’t completely saccharine or retarded. Any advice on this would be appreciated.)

This whole thing is frustrating. There’s so much I want to know, but no one to ask. My dad wasn’t around for a lot of it, mum’s gone, and I’m not cool with talking to Nana about it for many and varied reasons. And I don’t really want to talk to anybody else about it because most of the people Chris or I have talked to about it thinks it’s a crap idea. At the very least, if anyone knows of a realistic source regarding pregnancy, etc. please let me know.

I found out last night that I can’t take my medication for my chronic stomach problem anymore. It can cause limb abnormalities in the 1st trimester. As it is, I’m freaking out that I may have gotten pregnant this month, because of a couple of, uh, accidents? (For lack of a better term.) And I’ve been taking my meds semi-regularly. Also, I drank pretty heavily during the vacation. But I’m more concerned about the meds thing. I read today that the arms and hands don’t start developing until the 4th or 5th week, so even if I’m pregnant, maybe I didn’t do anything too harmful.

Chances are pretty good that I’m not pregnant, though. Which leaves me with another problem. Because I can’t take my medicine, and there are no safe over the counter alternatives, I am going to have to suffer through my symptoms. I will likely have to go to work with them, too. That part’s really going to suck. I’m going to try to figure out if there’s anything I can take that’s safe, but it’s not looking that way. I’m still taking the acidophilus, because no one’s aware of any side effects, and it seems like it’s not too risky. Also, without it, I probably would miss way too much work and get fired. Of course, my female relatives (on dad’s side) all lived with this, and my aunt has worked full time for many years in spite of it. I can deal with it for a year or however long.

Sadly, I don’t even get to say I’m completely off prescriptions now. The NuLev has been replaced by Prenatal 1 Plus 1 vitamins. I took my first vitamin last night, and it made me so. nauseous. I seriously thought I was going to throw up. I suppose it’s nothing compared to morning sickness, though, so I’ll keep taking it for now. Bleurgh.

We were in Tampa for a few days, visiting family and stuff. Since I just graduated, there was a lot of talk about future plans, and Chris told his dad (and dad’s girlfriend) that we were going to be trying for a baby soon. I hadn’t originally planned on telling anyone until I was actually pregnant and past the first trimester, but, as Chris pointed out, it’s hard not to tell people since a lot of our plans are kind of up in the air due to the possibly impending baby. So we told his mum as well. It’s funny, but no one was more excited than dad’s girlfriend.

In fact, his parents seemed a little nervous about our having a baby with no means of affordable insurance, and weren’t sure I shouldn’t have a job lined up in Tampa before we move back home. We pointed out that if we waited until the “perfect time” we would never have kids. And when I said I wasn’t getting any younger, his mom said agreed that there was a kind of limited window here. (I think his parents still see us as teenagers sometimes, rather than 30 and near-30…) And I said that of course I’d look for a job if we were a few months from moving and I still wasn’t pregnant. Even despite saying it was all very wait-and-see, you’d think I’d just graduated high school, not graduate school.

When I told my dad, he may have mentioned insurance off-hand, but I think he knows better than to try to discourage me from doing stuff. He seemed a bit more psyched about it than Chris’ family, but none of our parents have been what you’d call excited. I’m sure we’re probably making a mistake, but seriously, when are we supposed to do this? Our parents aren’t getting any younger either, and it kills me that mum won’t be around for any of her grandkids.

Oh well.